#344 – What taught you to negotiate love?
It taught you you'd stay safe if you bargained with love
Tell me if this is also you: when you got what people really mean with "unconditional love," you thought: hm, I never had that growing up.
Whenever my mother gave me the shoulder because I'd broken a plate, or went berserk because I'd lost a sweater; whenever my Abuela tsked and said "bueno" [meaning, 'whatever'] looking away when I didn't want to eat her food; whenever my father berated me for not understanding long-form division, I felt unloved.
Breaking the plate, losing the sweater, not being hungry, not getting math made me unlovable.
At that time, something grew up in me that taught me two things, shushing and stroking my blond sweaty head with its bony hand:
First: when you make mistakes, others have the right to withdraw their love from you.
Second: if/when others behave the way you want, then you give them love. Otherwise, you withhold it. That is how you teach them how to treat you.
Teaching me to negotiate with love, my Ego instilled in me the sense that love needs conditions. If/when these aren't met, then there's no reason to love.
But is that true?
Is it worth giving away the most joyful and fulfilling feeling you can experience just because someone acted in ways that don't fit your expectations?
Is it even ethical to "teach" others how to treat you?
Love is for you, for your wellbeing. Because withholding your love, like drinking poison, hurts you, not them.
No matter the hurt, disappointment, or loss, you might as well love––even when condemning and refusing to endure abusive behavior.
What conditions will you remove from your love?
Love,
Carolina